Mommy confession

Today, I had fun. Like the forget-about-everything kind of fun. Don't get me wrong- most days, I have fun with a giggling toddler and a smiling infant. But this morning was different. I smiled a genuine smile and laughed a genuine laugh, which, unfortunately, has been awhile since I've done. 
I took Olivia to an inflatable jumping center for an open jump time. We arrived a little after it opened and no one else was there. So, we took advantage of having the whole place to ourselves! Ethan had just fallen asleep on the car ride over, so I set him in the center of the room, so I could see him, and then I went off with Olivia. I don't remember the last time I was in an inflatable jumper, but holy cow, it was amazing! I was out of breath from giggling with Olivia,  jumping and running and trying to squeeze my way through some of those small spaces and cruising down the slides. My aunt stopped in (as she was on her way to Saint Cloud), so she kept an eye on Ethan and captured a few moments as well. That's another reason that I will be able to remember today- a simple picture. Most of the time, I am the one behind the camera. I am the one staying out of the shot and trying to get the perfect pose from an energetic almost-three-year old and squirmy almost-four-month old. But today, I got to be in those pictures. I have proof that I can be a fun mom. 

Some days, I worry if Olivia will remember these fun moments. I worry that she will only remember the times that mommy is short-tempered because we are running late. Or the times that I don't sit down and play with her, because I think that cleaning the kitchen has to be done at that moment. So, to have these special moments captured is a wonderful thing.

To be honest, the past few weeks have been challenging. I would not trade being home with my kids, but it's tough. I feel like I've lost my identity and have just become 'mom.' I miss having interactions with co-workers. I miss having 'me-time' on the drive to and from work. I miss having evaluations and having goals and objectives for me to progress towards. Or not bringing work home with me (well, if I'm honest, I was never able to do that, but the thought of leaving it at work is nice). As a SAHM, I'm on 100% of the time. It is the most rewarding, draining and emotional thing I've done in these 32 years. So, I was elated with myself that I felt like I was staying on top of things for the past 5 months. I would pat myself on the back every night because I had succeeded in showering, getting out of the house (in real clothes!), doing a fun activity or two with Olivia, sometimes making dinner, sometimes cleaning and having the kid(s) healthy and happy. But in the past few weeks, I've realized there is an emotional toll of working 100% of the time.

Ethan's first ride on the MOA ferris wheel

I feel guilt in not being a financial contributor to this family. We've looked at me going to work full-time and it's ridiculous what we would pay for childcare. To have two kids in daycare for five days a week, we would pay anywhere from $500-$750 a week. Some may think those are okay numbers, but for us, it didn't make sense. To be honest, another thing that doesn't make sense is the ridiculous amount of money we are paying each month for student loans, but that's a whole other subject. But, the emotional stress of constantly asking 'am I doing the right thing?' and the financial stress of 'can we afford to do this?' and the physical stress of keeping up with a toddler and bouncing/carrying/baby wearing a little one is tiring. And in the past few weeks, it has hit its toll. I've found myself second-guessing activities and how I parent. At the end of the night, it's the constant 'Are my kids getting enough social interactions? Are they eating healthy enough? Did I spend enough time playing with them? Am I doing everything I need to prepare them for life?' 

Thankfully, I have multiple support systems. I have my immediate family that has listened to tearful phone calls and has been there for emotional support. I have my Pink Ladies from college that text throughout the day with random jokes and stories. I have the understanding group of moms at MOPS that has listened to my mommy problems and helped guide me through them. There's also the group of parents at Olivia's ECFE class that can relate to the struggles of having a toddler. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I agree, but it also takes a village to support a parent.
 

Olivia's first time ice skating

I'm not the first to go through this or feel these emotions. And I know I won't be the last to have this struggle. So, I can sit here and dissect every moment of the day and question it. Or, I can think back to this morning and how much fun I had. Olivia was so excited to go jumping and she had 90 minutes of giggling and running around. And guess what? I got to be there too. Like, emotionally and physically be present. 

So, today was a success. Tomorrow it may not be. But for now, I'm going to carry this smile and get my daughter (who decided that a 45 minute nap was all she wanted, when 90 minutes is more her style) and continue to be the fun mom. No worries, no questions, no stress, no second-guessing... only love and cuddles.