Cha-cha-cha-changes

Fun at the Children's Museum

How is it almost fall?!? Seriously, I felt like we were just rejoicing about the weather being nice, and now it's already started its slow descent. Guess that's life in the midwest. 

10 months

10 months old (too busy to hold still!)

8 months

We are experiencing the eve before preschool! Olivia starts her 3's preschool tomorrow! She will attend a Tuesday/Thursday program from 9:15-2:15. She is super excited about the different toys and play areas and keeps talking about being able to use the small potty and bringing her backpack and lunch box :) She is our little chatterbox and happily tells Phil and I the details of her day (even if we were with her during those activities). Her vocabulary continues to grow every day and her comments about how or why we are doing things make me stop sometimes and just laugh. She continues to impress us with her random memory of things (recently, it was bringing up the circus she went to with her aunt and uncle about 2 years ago, her trip to Urgent Care last year, the garden at the old house in Aurora and visiting Ethan at the hospital after he was born). I'm really hoping she continues to have a rock star memory and does not venture down the path of her mommy's memory. Now what was I talking about...? Her facial expressions are amazing and you feel her joy when she gets excited. We have entered the phase of picky toddler eating ('I just don't like that... what is is?'), so some meals are much better than others. She loves being with her friends (or anyone who will play with her), getting special treats (she wishes she could have them every day), giving and getting hugs, playing dress up, playing in the forts that daddy builds for her, being the leader, going to 'the mall the merica' (Mall of America) to play at the Children's Museum or the Crayola Experience (thank you memberships!) and helping mommy bake.

4th of July festivities

Woodbury Days (Olivia LOVED the parade, Ethan loved the snacks)

Ethan is almost a year old- yikes! He is such a little bundle of energy (I guess he needs to keep up with his sister!) and he is growing up so quickly. At 10 months old, he has 8 teeth, has started eating real people food, is close to walking (can walk if he's holding on to his walker or one of our hands), takes one(ish) naps a day, sleeps about 4 hour spurts at night, and can say mama and dada. He loves drinking milk and eating, playing in his ball pit, using his walker toy, crawling super fast to try and 'help' when Phil or I are loading the dishwasher, pulling up on anything, putting everything in his mouth, bath time, swimming lessons, and trying to get the toilet paper unrolled. He does not like sleeping through the night, not being fed at that exact moment, diaper changes, getting dressed, when his sister takes a toy, and not being able to hold/eat electronics (our remote controls, phones and ipad). He and I will enter new territory tomorrow when it's just the two of us for a few hours each week. But, I'm looking forward to being able to focus on him, and letting him play with things, without the constant 'let's share, play nice, what can you trade with him, he was playing with that...' He and I will actually attend an ECFE program on Wednesday mornings, so I'm excited to have another ECFE family! I had an amazing time with Olivia's class, and I'm crossing my fingers that the teacher is as amazing as Mrs. Laura and that the parents are as supportive and caring as the ones from Olivia's class. 
While summer has gone by too quickly, we did have a lot of great adventures. Highlights include moving into our new house, going to Cass Lake with the Tiedeman clan, having college friends visit us, a trip to Colorado for Tom and Brooke's wedding, lots of play time at different parks, going to different splash pads and pools, lots of zoo trips, picnic lunches, walks around the neighborhood, Woodbury Days, Renaissance Festival, a trip to Nelson's for ice cream, and just enjoying this wonderful land of 10,000 lakes!

Love for the lake

Dr. Olivia loves helping babies

A Whole New World...

Phil's favorite Disney movie is Aladdin, so there's a shout-out to him. But, I feel like we are living in a whole new world these days. So much has changed from just a year ago. Some things were joyous, others full of stress. But, we've come this far, so I'm excited to see what's in store for the next year (I'd be okay with a little less activity...)
So, long story long, here's a recap of the past 12 months:

Phil interviewed for a job in South Saint Paul. I stepped into the interim head coach position for BSC for the summer season. Phil gets a second round interview. The day before we leave for a week long vacation in Mexico, Phil gets a call that he got the job. Travel headache of delays to Mexico and home from Mexico. A week long discussion of if we should move. Oh yeah, I'm about 5 months pregnant at this point. Get back from vacation and Phil formally accepts the job. A few weeks of telling people we are moving and getting the house ready to put on the market. Sign a lease in Woodbury for a townhome (Phil doesn't actually see the place in person, so I'm left to make the final decision on where we will live for the next year or so). Pack up items in Brookings in August and actually get an offer on the house the day before we leave. I am now 32 weeks pregnant and switching OB doctor and clinic. Phil begins his new job as airport manager and I begin my new job as SAHM. Multiple doctor's appointments in the next few weeks. Olivia starts ECFE and we make a few friends. Ethan was born October 16 and many visitors came through during the month of October. Sleepless nights begin. Potty training begins. Phil turns 32. We finally close on our house in Brookings in November (after the first offer fell through, we had a second offer, which went through okay. So yes, we went through 4 months of paying for two house while living on a single income. NOT fun). First road trip as a family of 4 for Thanksgiving to Saint Cloud. I fly with Ethan (6 weeks old) and Olivia to CO for a few days in December. I turn 32. Phil's aunt passes away, so we make the drive to Iowa for her funeral. A few days later, we drive to Iowa for a 24 hour visit for Christmas. Sleepless nights continue, potty training continues, preschool enrollment begins. I start a job at the Foss Swim School. I also begin as a Tupperware consultant. Olivia turns 3 with a wonderfully pink party. We start house hunting. Phil and I begin the new routine of him working the typical 8-5 schedule and me working 5-9 for two nights a week and then a few hours on Saturday mornings and some more on Sunday afternoons. We keep missing our luck with houses, as the houses in the area are going within 48 hours. Olivia begins swimming lessons and soccer. Ethan gets two teeth. Another trip to George for Easter. A house in Woodbury goes on the market Friday morning, we see it at noon that day and put in an offer at 2pm that same day-- offer was accepted that night! I fly to CO with Ethan and Olivia to surprise Brooke, my future sister-in-law, at her bridal shower at the end of April. Ethan crawls. And now, we begin the process of packing up this town home and moving in to our new town home! Whew!!

So, needless to say, I am looking forward to life slowing down a bit. I know it won't (as we will have college friends here June 6-7, move June 10, Olivia is at VBS June 13-16, go on vacation with the Tiedeman clan June 18-22, and fly to CO June 29-July 5 for Tom's wedding). We love this life with these crazy moments though :)

Our adorable 3 year old!

Olivia is an adorable, sassy, giggly, cuddly three year old. She likes being independent and picking out her own clothes and shoes. She corrects us on little items like 'they're sandals, not shoes' and 'that's a truck, not a car.' As Phil says, 'she says what she thinks.' She does well with Ethan and I love hearing them laugh together. However, now that Ethan is on the move, she has become very territorial and 'mine' has been a common word around this house. While she has a very cheerful temperament most of the time, she has started to get pouty when we tell her 'no' or tell her that she is making a bad choice. 
 
Toddler pickiness with food is starting, but thankfully, we've still been able to get some good mixtures of foods. She has said a few hilarious phrases, and I wish I would keep a notebook of them (as I can't recall anything at the moment). She loves going to school, swim lessons, seeing her friends, going bowling, going to the zoo and the aquarium. Her favorite show is 'Octonauts' and she loves telling Phil and I the new facts she learned about the sea animals. And she loves having her drink at meal time by pouring it from her own mini pitcher into her mini cup (thank you Tupperware for adorable items for little ones)! We are thankful for this, because a few months ago, she was having problems with going pee and we assumed it was because she was not drinking enough. But now, she's excited to drink her milk and water and juice, because she gets to do it and gets excited to offer mommy and daddy some of her drink. She's about 28 pounds, wears 3T clothing and size 8(ish) shoes.

Our smiling 7 month old

Ethan is an energetic, loud, cuddly, on-the-move little boy. He learned to crawl about 2 weeks ago and has been going ever since. He got his two bottom teeth in March and I think he's going to pop his top teeth pretty soon. He loves to put everything in his mouth and enjoys gnawing on anything. He can sit on his own and play with a variety of toys from his toy box and he's getting pretty close to being able to pull himself up on things. Phil and I think it's adorable when he makes this certain face by breathing through his nose quickly and loudly and curling his upper lip at the same time. He started eating solid foods and his favorites so far seem to be avocado, squash and apples (or any fruit). He's sleeping about 3 hour spurts and there's been a handful of 4 hour stretches in the past few months. On a typical day, he will sleep about 20-30 minutes in the late morning and then 60-90 minutes in the afternoon. But most days, he only does that one long nap. So, sleep is not his favorite. Also on the not favorite list: car seat, being put down when he just wants to be held, getting his nails clipped, and just recently, the separation anxiety. I am excited to get him into his own room at the new place (he's currently sleeping in a hallway). He weighs about 19 pounds, is wearing 6 month/6-9 month clothing and does not like socks or shoes (those kicking little feet love to get those items off of his feet)!

Mommy confession

Today, I had fun. Like the forget-about-everything kind of fun. Don't get me wrong- most days, I have fun with a giggling toddler and a smiling infant. But this morning was different. I smiled a genuine smile and laughed a genuine laugh, which, unfortunately, has been awhile since I've done. 
I took Olivia to an inflatable jumping center for an open jump time. We arrived a little after it opened and no one else was there. So, we took advantage of having the whole place to ourselves! Ethan had just fallen asleep on the car ride over, so I set him in the center of the room, so I could see him, and then I went off with Olivia. I don't remember the last time I was in an inflatable jumper, but holy cow, it was amazing! I was out of breath from giggling with Olivia,  jumping and running and trying to squeeze my way through some of those small spaces and cruising down the slides. My aunt stopped in (as she was on her way to Saint Cloud), so she kept an eye on Ethan and captured a few moments as well. That's another reason that I will be able to remember today- a simple picture. Most of the time, I am the one behind the camera. I am the one staying out of the shot and trying to get the perfect pose from an energetic almost-three-year old and squirmy almost-four-month old. But today, I got to be in those pictures. I have proof that I can be a fun mom. 

Some days, I worry if Olivia will remember these fun moments. I worry that she will only remember the times that mommy is short-tempered because we are running late. Or the times that I don't sit down and play with her, because I think that cleaning the kitchen has to be done at that moment. So, to have these special moments captured is a wonderful thing.

To be honest, the past few weeks have been challenging. I would not trade being home with my kids, but it's tough. I feel like I've lost my identity and have just become 'mom.' I miss having interactions with co-workers. I miss having 'me-time' on the drive to and from work. I miss having evaluations and having goals and objectives for me to progress towards. Or not bringing work home with me (well, if I'm honest, I was never able to do that, but the thought of leaving it at work is nice). As a SAHM, I'm on 100% of the time. It is the most rewarding, draining and emotional thing I've done in these 32 years. So, I was elated with myself that I felt like I was staying on top of things for the past 5 months. I would pat myself on the back every night because I had succeeded in showering, getting out of the house (in real clothes!), doing a fun activity or two with Olivia, sometimes making dinner, sometimes cleaning and having the kid(s) healthy and happy. But in the past few weeks, I've realized there is an emotional toll of working 100% of the time.

Ethan's first ride on the MOA ferris wheel

I feel guilt in not being a financial contributor to this family. We've looked at me going to work full-time and it's ridiculous what we would pay for childcare. To have two kids in daycare for five days a week, we would pay anywhere from $500-$750 a week. Some may think those are okay numbers, but for us, it didn't make sense. To be honest, another thing that doesn't make sense is the ridiculous amount of money we are paying each month for student loans, but that's a whole other subject. But, the emotional stress of constantly asking 'am I doing the right thing?' and the financial stress of 'can we afford to do this?' and the physical stress of keeping up with a toddler and bouncing/carrying/baby wearing a little one is tiring. And in the past few weeks, it has hit its toll. I've found myself second-guessing activities and how I parent. At the end of the night, it's the constant 'Are my kids getting enough social interactions? Are they eating healthy enough? Did I spend enough time playing with them? Am I doing everything I need to prepare them for life?' 

Thankfully, I have multiple support systems. I have my immediate family that has listened to tearful phone calls and has been there for emotional support. I have my Pink Ladies from college that text throughout the day with random jokes and stories. I have the understanding group of moms at MOPS that has listened to my mommy problems and helped guide me through them. There's also the group of parents at Olivia's ECFE class that can relate to the struggles of having a toddler. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I agree, but it also takes a village to support a parent.
 

Olivia's first time ice skating

I'm not the first to go through this or feel these emotions. And I know I won't be the last to have this struggle. So, I can sit here and dissect every moment of the day and question it. Or, I can think back to this morning and how much fun I had. Olivia was so excited to go jumping and she had 90 minutes of giggling and running around. And guess what? I got to be there too. Like, emotionally and physically be present. 

So, today was a success. Tomorrow it may not be. But for now, I'm going to carry this smile and get my daughter (who decided that a 45 minute nap was all she wanted, when 90 minutes is more her style) and continue to be the fun mom. No worries, no questions, no stress, no second-guessing... only love and cuddles.

Tiedeman kiddo updates

We hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We celebrated a weekend early with the Tiedeman clan and went to George to have an early meal with Phil's family. Olivia loved seeing Grandma and Grandpa and her cousins. She loves playing with Declan! Ethan was a camp-champ for the road trip (and so was Olivia)! We left Woodbury on Friday around 5pm, then stopped in Owatonna for dinner. Then finished the trip and made it George around 10:15pm. Olivia was so excited that she didn't sleep during the drive and kept saying 'I see Grandma's house!' (even though we had just left our house) :) The rest of Phil's family got to George on Saturday afternoon and then we had a big meal Saturday evening. We left Sunday morning to drive to Brookings, so we could say hello to the BSC family and introduce Ethan to everyone. It was so wonderful to see the athletes and their parents! Sadly, we had to head back to Woodbury after a quick visit. 

The next week, my dad flew in to meet Ethan and have some Poppi cuddle time with the kids. I quickly put him to work and he was a rock star with cooking dinner and entertaining Olivia and holding Ethan while I got things done around the house. For Thanksgiving, we drove to St. Cloud to have a meal with a few of the Chmielewski relatives. Once again, Olivia was so excited and talked the whole way up there and didn't nap. But, she zonked out within 5 minutes of getting in the car when we headed back home :)
Ethan is growing and is slowly phasing out of that newborn phase. Don't get me wrong, I know he's still a newborn, but it's fun to see him start to change physically and start to become more alert. However, those alert times can stop occurring from 10pm-1am. I took him to the doctor today, as he's been extra fussy the past few days and I wanted to get things checked out. He currently weighs 10 pounds 13 ounces! So, no problems with gaining weight! He is dealing with some reflux issues, so we are trying to figure out the best ways to keep him comfortable. At a 7 weeks old, here are a few tidbits about him:
Wearing size 1 diapers
Starting to wear 3 month clothes
Eating 3-5 ounces every 2-4 hours
Sleeping 2-4 hours at a time (although he did almost 6 hours the night he turned 6 weeks old!)
Starting to smile and coo, as well as track
Has great head and neck control
Likes to grunt and make noises while he sleeps/when he's starting to wake up  

Olivia is a great big sister! She like helping in any way possible (even if help isn't needed at that moment). We are currently going through the potty training phase and it is a very slow process. She was doing great with things when my mom was here for Ethan's birth. But then she regressed (which I heard would happen), so we took things back to square one and moved slowly. So now she's getting back on the train and I'm hoping things will really click by the end of the year. 

The kiddos and I are heading on an adventure this afternoon, as we fly to Colorado! Phil wasn't able to take time off of work, so it's just me and the two minions for the flight- yikes! We fly out this afternoon and will return on Wednesday, so just a quick visit with my family. Prayers and good wishes are greatly appreciated (as I was the silly one that booked a flight during Olivia's nap time... not my greatest mommy move, but hopefully her excitement of being on a plan will overshadow any crankiness)!  

Ethan's arrival!

Seriously, where does the time go?!? I am sitting here, staring at a 3 week old and sitting next to his big sister (who magically grew up and got 'so big' overnight!)  and I just wonder where the time has gone. Everyone tells me that kids grow up quickly and I am only beginning to understand that. 
So, the biggest change in our lives is that we are now a family of 4! Ethan Nicholas Tiedeman was born on October 16 and his labor and delivery was very far from his sister's delivery (which is a good thing). I am so thankful that things went better this time around, even though I did have a few bad patches along the way.
Ethan's arrival begins like this... on the 13th, I had my 39 week doctor's appointment. At that visit, my blood pressure was pretty high. I had been testing my BP at home and had some elevated results as well, so the fact that things were staying pretty elevated was a little concerning. Then I was pretty uncomfortable with having a consistent headache and starting to get swollen. So, the doctor agreed that we should move forward with an induction. I was scheduled to call the hospital on Thursday (the 15th) morning and discuss a time to come in. 

Providing support right before I started to push!

Thursday morning at 5:30am, I called and was told that they were full and I needed to call back at 9. Phil stayed home from work that morning, so we had a lazy morning and then I called back. Was told there still was no room, so Phil went to work and my mom, Olivia and I proceeded with our day. Called again at noon and was again told they didn't have room, so it continued to be a wait game. Later in the afternoon, the nurse that I was talking with at the hospital called and discussed the situation with me and said that she wasn't getting in touch with my doctor, after multiple phone calls, so she felt bad for having me just hang out. I was finally able to touch base with my doctor and after some discussion, I asked to switch hospitals and deliver at the hospital in Woodbury. Woodbury was able to get me in that evening, so Phil and I had dinner with my mom and Olivia and then we set off for the hospital around 7:30!

Welcome Ethan!

I was admitted at 1 cm dilated and then they started the cervadil around 8:30pm. It was a poor night of sleep for both of us (thankfully I was able to get a sleeping pill to help me, but Phil had to fend for himself). The cervadil was to be in for 12 hours and then they would check me in the morning and start the pitocin. When I was checked at 9am, I was only at 2cm, so the pitocin party began! Phil and I began our walk around the floor to hopefully get things moving. My mom got to the hospital around 10 or 11am, so the three of us continued the wait game. At 11am, I was at 3cm and 70% effaced. I was getting pretty uncomfortable, so I tried the birthing ball and taking a bath. At 1pm, I was 4cm and 90% and really uncomfortable, so I asked for the epidural. At 1:45pm, the epidural was in place. Unfortunately, I could still feel contractions on my left side, but it did make things more comfortable. The epidural must have been the magic touch because by 3pm, I was at 8cm and 90% and then by 3:45, I was complete and feeling pressure and ready to start pushing! I started pushing a little after 4pm and then Ethan arrived at 4:22pm!

Ethan weighed 7 pounds and 7 ounces and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. Phil was able to cut the cord and Ethan and I got to do skin-to-skin contact right away. It was such a different experience having Ethan with me, and not being rushed away to the NICU. Things were so peaceful and it was such a joyous experience.

Meeting her little brother

We had a few choices of what we wanted to name him, but wanted to sleep on things to make sure. We decided on Ethan, as it was a name that we both liked. And Nicholas is after my Grandpa Nick (my mom's dad). We told everyone his name the next morning and then got the birth certificate filled out and completed all other necessities before being discharged around 2pm on Sunday the 18th! 

Happy Big Sister

Ethan was discharged at 7 pounds 1 ounce, but is a camp-champ with eating and quickly got back to birth weight. At his first pediatrician appointment at 5 days old, he was back up to 7 pounds 8 ounces! At his 2 week appointment, he weighed in at 8 pounds 4 ounces and yesterday, he was rocking 8 pounds 13 ounces! He sleeps very well and is a content little boy. He is up every 2 to 2.5 hours during the night, but goes back to sleep fairly quickly after feeding. This week, he is starting to get more alert and has streaks where he's awake for 45-60 minutes. It's been fun to see him look around and see his gorgeous eyes. He makes adorable little grunts when he's starting to wake up, as well as when he's eating. And he is so strong already with his neck and head control! We are so in love with him and are so happy to be a family of 4.  

It's Getting Real

I get that I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I get that I've had time to think about the changes that will occur to our family once this little guy comes. I get that I've knows about this adorable human being for the past 33 weeks, and that should be ample time to have a plan. But the truth is, I'm unprepared. I have no idea how this little life will greatly affect our family. I still think that we are missing some great and mighty baby item with our little prep that we've done. But then I remember, all this baby needs is milk, love, diapers and wipes, a few outfits, some blankets,  car seat and the rest are just minor details (yes, I say that now, but when it's 2am and I'm exhausted and he's crying, I'd believe that a blanket could be a lifesaving item). 
As you all know, we moved almost 2 months ago. We went from a 3 bed, 2 bath house with plenty of room to a 2 bed, 1.5 bath town home that leaves us begging for space. So when people ask if we have the nursery set up, I just chuckle. Because honestly, this baby is going to be lucky to be sleeping in a bassinet thing. Yes, he will start out in our room and then (depending on how long we're in this town home), he will move in with Olivia (also depending on his sleep habits... if he's anything like his sister and he doesn't sleep through the night until 16 months, then we may reconsider some things). And no, we don't have a theme for his room- he's lucky that he's getting more than a dresser drawer to sleep in at this point. When we moved, I had mom guilt about that minor detail. I felt like this little guy deserved to come home to a painted and decorated bedroom, just like Olivia did. But then I realize, this is a temporary situation. He is going to be a baby. This will be something that he will never remember. So why do I think I need to go above and beyond to do something that truly doesn't matter?
So for now, I'll think about the things that do matter (remember, I am a 38 week, hormonal preggo woman). I worry about my time with Olivia. I worry about how it will change and that she won't get the 1:1 attention that she's received these past few weeks. I worry about going out in public and doing the typical activities, like grocery shopping and going to doctor's appointments. I worry about how I'm going to handle a toddler and a car seat with an infant strapped in while I try and cross the icy road (because, as much as we don't want to talk about it, winter is coming. And thanks to living up north, I know this inevitably means snow at some point). I worry that I'll forget the stroller when we go somewhere and I'll have to drag that ungoshly heavy car seat through the mall.
But then I remember that Olivia is a wonderful, smiling, loving little girl. I mean, Phil and I had to have done something right with her, right?!? We were clueless then and we're clueless now. But, we have a toddler that's proof that we are on the right track. Yes, there are still days when she has meltdowns or tantrums and Phil and I just look at each other and shrug. But then she has days when she will run and hug you for no reason. Or say something so out of the ordinary that it's the cutest thing and you can only laugh. I also have to remember that for about 3 years of my life, I was the only child. And I feel like I have a great relationship with my brother. So, I couldn't have hated him that much, right?  So, instead of focusing on Olivia, we now get to see Olivia continue to develop, but now with a new companion. I'm sure in about a year or two, I will be in awe of the destruction that an infant and a toddler can do to the house. But maybe I'll also be in awe of the bond that they will share. 
I have no idea what the future has in store. At this point, this little guy doesn't even have a name, so I think that needs to be step one. But I do know that as unprepared as I feel with things, there is a plan for us. It may be a plan full of ups and downs and side-to-sides. But it will be our plan. So, until this little guy decides to make his move, maybe I'll make one last plan of luxury and schedule that pedicure and hair cut...

The good and bad of comparisons

34 weeks with Baby Boy

34 weeks with Olivia

A bit of reality hit me today. It's been looming over my head for a few weeks, but this morning, it struck me full force. At this point in my pregnancy with Olivia, at almost this exact time of the evening, I got a call from the hospital in Sioux Falls. The doctor told me that I needed to make my way to the labor and delivery floor so they could discuss the next steps of my pregnancy. I don't remember the exact conversation or what I said back to her. I just remember sitting on the stairs and crying and Phil asking me what was going on. Then it was a blur of packing things for me and for him (as we hadn't done our hospital bags yet) and grabbing some things for our little girl (in our naïve minds, we just assumed that she would be coming home with us right away). So tomorrow, when I hit 34 weeks and 5 days, I will be at the same point in my pregnancy when I delivered Olivia. That is a scary fact to think about.
I've compared a lot of things with the pregnancies. I've compared weight gains, cravings, documentation (pictures, journals, etc), and prepping. Given our circumstances right now, I knew things would be a bit different. But, I never thought that I would have this much anxiety, sadness, joy, and a mix of other emotions at this point. I am anxious because I don't know what comes after this. I am sad because I feel like I haven't enjoyed the past few weeks of the pregnancy, because I've been watching my BP and monitoring other symptoms, thinking about that a delivery could come this week. And I'm full of happiness and joy because I know I'll make it past this mark. And that means that we hopefully won't have another stint of visits to the NICU. I even told Phil that I'm celebrating with a cake on Saturday, since that means I made it past 'the mark' :)
Maybe I'm emotional today because I had a rough OB appointment. Nothing major happened, but I just don't feel a connection with my new doctor. My doctor in Sioux Falls was wonderful. She was caring and compassionate and just made anyone feel comfortable in any situation. Even if she was running behind, I felt like she wanted to make a connection with you at every appointment. It seemed like she was truly interested in hearing what you had to say and how you were really feeling. Today was my second visit with my new OB and it's just not the same. The first appointment, I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room and another 10 minutes in the exam room before the doctor came in. Today's appointment was 75 minutes in the waiting room and another 15 minutes in the exam room. Top that wait with a toddler companion (at lunch time) and I am shocked that my BP was pretty decent. The appointment itself was 5 minutes max. It was a quick chat about how I'm feeling, a tummy check, listening to the heart beat and away he went. I know it's partially my fault for not speaking up and asking more questions, but it just seemed like he looked at Olivia and figured, oh she has a toddler, so she's been through this before (even though I had all my records mailed to this new practice). After tomorrow, this whole pregnancy thing is new territory. And it makes me scared and anxious. I feel like this is a first pregnancy for me and I have no idea what to expect. I'm sure that moms of 10 kids feel like this with each of their pregnancies, because as we know, no two labor and deliveries are the same. But, for me, this is my concern and these are my fears. I don't want to be compared to anyone else. I want this pregnancy to be my own and I want it to feel special. Yes, I realize that I've just stated that I've compared this pregnancy to Olivia's. But I know it's not the same. Nothing about these pregnancies are the same. I'm in a different state and a different house with a different doctor and a different prognosis. I should be ecstatic that I'm being treated like a 'normal' pregnancy this time around. But instead, I feel like a ticking time bomb. It makes me nervous to not have a doctor's appointment every day to check on things. But, that's not normal and no woman should have to go through that. I should be happy that I get to come back in two weeks, instead of two days. I should be doing cartwheels because my BP is in normal range and I have no liver pain. I guess I'm so scared because this time, I might actually get to have control over things. I might get to have a birth plan that will happen. I might get to have that 'is it time to go to the hospital?' emotion that so many other women feel. And I might (crossing fingers, saying lots of prayers) actually get to bring this healthy little guy home with us when I get discharged after delivery.
So, life right now is full of emotions. Thankfully, I have wonderful and encouraging support of family and close friends and of course from Phil and Olivia. And as hard as it is going to be, I need to breathe and just let the course of this pregnancy unfold. After tomorrow, there will be no more comparisons of what was. There will only be the positive outlook of what will be.