The good and bad of comparisons

34 weeks with Baby Boy

34 weeks with Olivia

A bit of reality hit me today. It's been looming over my head for a few weeks, but this morning, it struck me full force. At this point in my pregnancy with Olivia, at almost this exact time of the evening, I got a call from the hospital in Sioux Falls. The doctor told me that I needed to make my way to the labor and delivery floor so they could discuss the next steps of my pregnancy. I don't remember the exact conversation or what I said back to her. I just remember sitting on the stairs and crying and Phil asking me what was going on. Then it was a blur of packing things for me and for him (as we hadn't done our hospital bags yet) and grabbing some things for our little girl (in our naïve minds, we just assumed that she would be coming home with us right away). So tomorrow, when I hit 34 weeks and 5 days, I will be at the same point in my pregnancy when I delivered Olivia. That is a scary fact to think about.
I've compared a lot of things with the pregnancies. I've compared weight gains, cravings, documentation (pictures, journals, etc), and prepping. Given our circumstances right now, I knew things would be a bit different. But, I never thought that I would have this much anxiety, sadness, joy, and a mix of other emotions at this point. I am anxious because I don't know what comes after this. I am sad because I feel like I haven't enjoyed the past few weeks of the pregnancy, because I've been watching my BP and monitoring other symptoms, thinking about that a delivery could come this week. And I'm full of happiness and joy because I know I'll make it past this mark. And that means that we hopefully won't have another stint of visits to the NICU. I even told Phil that I'm celebrating with a cake on Saturday, since that means I made it past 'the mark' :)
Maybe I'm emotional today because I had a rough OB appointment. Nothing major happened, but I just don't feel a connection with my new doctor. My doctor in Sioux Falls was wonderful. She was caring and compassionate and just made anyone feel comfortable in any situation. Even if she was running behind, I felt like she wanted to make a connection with you at every appointment. It seemed like she was truly interested in hearing what you had to say and how you were really feeling. Today was my second visit with my new OB and it's just not the same. The first appointment, I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room and another 10 minutes in the exam room before the doctor came in. Today's appointment was 75 minutes in the waiting room and another 15 minutes in the exam room. Top that wait with a toddler companion (at lunch time) and I am shocked that my BP was pretty decent. The appointment itself was 5 minutes max. It was a quick chat about how I'm feeling, a tummy check, listening to the heart beat and away he went. I know it's partially my fault for not speaking up and asking more questions, but it just seemed like he looked at Olivia and figured, oh she has a toddler, so she's been through this before (even though I had all my records mailed to this new practice). After tomorrow, this whole pregnancy thing is new territory. And it makes me scared and anxious. I feel like this is a first pregnancy for me and I have no idea what to expect. I'm sure that moms of 10 kids feel like this with each of their pregnancies, because as we know, no two labor and deliveries are the same. But, for me, this is my concern and these are my fears. I don't want to be compared to anyone else. I want this pregnancy to be my own and I want it to feel special. Yes, I realize that I've just stated that I've compared this pregnancy to Olivia's. But I know it's not the same. Nothing about these pregnancies are the same. I'm in a different state and a different house with a different doctor and a different prognosis. I should be ecstatic that I'm being treated like a 'normal' pregnancy this time around. But instead, I feel like a ticking time bomb. It makes me nervous to not have a doctor's appointment every day to check on things. But, that's not normal and no woman should have to go through that. I should be happy that I get to come back in two weeks, instead of two days. I should be doing cartwheels because my BP is in normal range and I have no liver pain. I guess I'm so scared because this time, I might actually get to have control over things. I might get to have a birth plan that will happen. I might get to have that 'is it time to go to the hospital?' emotion that so many other women feel. And I might (crossing fingers, saying lots of prayers) actually get to bring this healthy little guy home with us when I get discharged after delivery.
So, life right now is full of emotions. Thankfully, I have wonderful and encouraging support of family and close friends and of course from Phil and Olivia. And as hard as it is going to be, I need to breathe and just let the course of this pregnancy unfold. After tomorrow, there will be no more comparisons of what was. There will only be the positive outlook of what will be.